An anomaly of a flower, out of a garden of purple incarnata, one single white flower with a pink center.
I still haven't found a second one. I can only assume a recessive gene found it's place in the universe and in a garden of purple, a solitary white bloom.
I started writing this many years ago- I just posted it on Medium.
I don’t prefer the word stepdad. The word minimizes an honorable position in a family. Parenting is the most difficult job; challenging, heartbreaking, and inspiring.
I’ve raised two sons, my first was a stepson-what began as a risky endeavor became an incredible experience, an honor that has changed my life.
Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. You are sculpting individuals who must remain separate from yourself. They should be encouraged to make their own decisions. We hope they choose the best path but often the wrong path is how they discover themselves.
The Perks of Failure
Failures are teaching lessons, integral aspects of an adolescent becoming an adult; the wisdoms they develop are beyond the scope of well-meaning parents.
I learned from my mom and my own stepdad how to show up, to share interests and add adventure in everyday life. I watched someone who wrestled with authority and the lack of it at times.
Press enter or click to view image in full size
Playing the Cards You were Dealt
One of the greatest realizations is you don’t hold all the cards and your hand is limited. You have multiple families all seeking to help and offer assistance in raising a child and your intentions are in question from the start.
Your authority is always in question and you have to walk a thin line to not overstep and yet keep a level of respect.
In those early years, I was the one to get down on the floor and talk open and direct to a two year old. I listened to the excitement he felt about finding a bug or a special rock, I asked questions, I was present.
Press enter or click to view image in full size
Strength is Not Showing the Power You Possess or Lack
When you have limited power you find other ways to direct. You draw a line you refuse to cross to avoid causing more harm. Your discression will seem to others as helpless and indecisive but parenting is not about shear force, it is finesse.
This process taught me a useful parenting technique; ask yourself what your intention is before acting. Being a parent can be clumsy, the child will comply out of respect, fear or guilt. I always erred on respect which others may see as weakness.
Defining intention before acting allows for responding instead of reacting. Do you seek to let go of your stress, pound your chest, or do you want the child to truly listen? This exercise improves how a parent uses their words better maintains calm when others are losing control.
Some times when things get out of control and both parent and child are beyond their limits of reason, one needs to be the adult. One of you will need to de-escalate the situation and I can guarantee it will not be the child.
Tools in your Toolbox Like Cards In Your Hand
You have to be able to be fast on your feet, to adjust if needed, to apologize, regain control when it’s lost, again the child’s job is not to surrender — his job is to test the boundaries, to see who is in control.
Guilt can offer control but often at the detriment of the child and the inevitable hurt and resentment. Guilt is more destructive than it is productive.
Next is fear that will eventually become anger and distrust. A good manager earns their employee’s respect, they don’t need fear to motivate.
Respect is not something you will get from a teenager testing boundaries.
The All-Powerful Hug: Really it Works
Love is the bridge that reaches two sides who’ve become adversaries. Give a teen a hug, both of you have said things, done things, you’ve both lost the battle-you are at deadlock.
A genuine hug means I love you, I don’t like you right now but I love you. I have seen more positive results from this and when I’ve failed to be that bridge I’ve even had a teen remind me — “Why didn’t you just hug me.”
A hug is like saying we can’t agree but we live to fight another day. Parenting teaches us aspects of humanity, about strength and weakness, about honor and empathy. Being a stepdad has inspired me to be better. I feel honored to be a stepdad, a blessing that has changed my life.
I wrote this post and left it here for many years-it was a draft I just rekindled.
I wrote a series of poems years ago about raising my stepson-it was called Shaping the Illusive Form - series of trying to raise my son and the obstacles of being a step dad- please check back as I will be publishing the poetry shortly.
One poem is about raising a child as an artist- It is probably pretty rough in that it was written so long ago but my summation is as follows.
A presence in the house, you can't see it but you can feel it. All the energy climbs the walls, haunts every beam in the floor. Those creaking stairs, how many stories created themselves in those dark cellars in Orange New Jersey.
Out front, the dark brown factory with broken windows, the cold stone steps, how many stories still to come, ghosts to fuel a child's fertile mind.
The energy of things, how objects take on energy and create a drama that is intangible. The writer, the artist thrives in those in-between places. Driving through the country, selling insurance, there were ghosts on every long country road.
There were things that had histories, I didn't know their stories but I wanted to. The shady cemeteries had voices and memories that were as real as the tall ancient trees that shaded them.
I live between the two worlds, nature and all its' beauty and the darkness on the edge of light. This is where I find my inspiration and excitement, I am haunted by energy and histories.
.jpeg)
