Fruits of Ruin

Passionvine

An anomaly of a flower, out of a garden of purple incarnata, one single white flower with a pink center. 

I still haven't found a second one. I can only assume a recessive gene found it's place in the universe and in a garden of purple, a solitary white bloom.

Wisdoms Gained being a Stepdad

Stepparenting: A Life-Changing Experience

steven Gordon linebaugh

4 min read

·

Just now

I started writing this many years ago- I just posted it on Medium.

I don’t prefer the word stepdad. The word minimizes an honorable position in a family. Parenting is the most difficult job; challenging, heartbreaking, and inspiring.

I’ve raised two sons, my first was a stepson-what began as a risky endeavor became an incredible experience, an honor that has changed my life.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. You are sculpting individuals who must remain separate from yourself. They should be encouraged to make their own decisions. We hope they choose the best path but often the wrong path is how they discover themselves.

The Perks of Failure

Failures are teaching lessons, integral aspects of an adolescent becoming an adult; the wisdoms they develop are beyond the scope of well-meaning parents.

I learned from my mom and my own stepdad how to show up, to share interests and add adventure in everyday life. I watched someone who wrestled with authority and the lack of it at times.

Press enter or click to view image in full size

Playing the Cards You were Dealt

One of the greatest realizations is you don’t hold all the cards and your hand is limited. You have multiple families all seeking to help and offer assistance in raising a child and your intentions are in question from the start.

Your authority is always in question and you have to walk a thin line to not overstep and yet keep a level of respect.

In those early years, I was the one to get down on the floor and talk open and direct to a two year old. I listened to the excitement he felt about finding a bug or a special rock, I asked questions, I was present.

Press enter or click to view image in full size

Strength is Not Showing the Power You Possess or Lack

When you have limited power you find other ways to direct. You draw a line you refuse to cross to avoid causing more harm. Your discression will seem to others as helpless and indecisive but parenting is not about shear force, it is finesse.

This process taught me a useful parenting technique; ask yourself what your intention is before acting. Being a parent can be clumsy, the child will comply out of respect, fear or guilt. I always erred on respect which others may see as weakness.

Defining intention before acting allows for responding instead of reacting. Do you seek to let go of your stress, pound your chest, or do you want the child to truly listen? This exercise improves how a parent uses their words better maintains calm when others are losing control.

Some times when things get out of control and both parent and child are beyond their limits of reason, one needs to be the adult. One of you will need to de-escalate the situation and I can guarantee it will not be the child.

Tools in your Toolbox Like Cards In Your Hand

You have to be able to be fast on your feet, to adjust if needed, to apologize, regain control when it’s lost, again the child’s job is not to surrender — his job is to test the boundaries, to see who is in control.

Guilt can offer control but often at the detriment of the child and the inevitable hurt and resentment. Guilt is more destructive than it is productive.

Next is fear that will eventually become anger and distrust. A good manager earns their employee’s respect, they don’t need fear to motivate.

Respect is not something you will get from a teenager testing boundaries.

The All-Powerful Hug: Really it Works

Love is the bridge that reaches two sides who’ve become adversaries. Give a teen a hug, both of you have said things, done things, you’ve both lost the battle-you are at deadlock.

A genuine hug means I love you, I don’t like you right now but I love you. I have seen more positive results from this and when I’ve failed to be that bridge I’ve even had a teen remind me — “Why didn’t you just hug me.”

A hug is like saying we can’t agree but we live to fight another day. Parenting teaches us aspects of humanity, about strength and weakness, about honor and empathy. Being a stepdad has inspired me to be better. I feel honored to be a stepdad, a blessing that has changed my life.

I wrote this post and left it here for many years-it was a draft I just rekindled.

I wrote a series of poems years ago about raising my stepson-it was called Shaping the Illusive Form - series of trying to raise my son and the obstacles of being a step dad- please check back as I will be publishing the poetry shortly. 

One poem is about raising a child as an artist- It is probably pretty rough in that it was written so long ago but my summation is as follows. 

A Painter to a Son

My painting sits on an easel,

you want attention,

I'm covered in oil and linseed,

I set your watercolors out,

you ask questions, I try quickly to reply,

it's a tug of war between

your art and mine.

But we persist.

I teach you about form,

you show me color and texture,

unafraid you stain your canvas,

the floor, the wall,

I grimmace as mom walks by

my easel firm and tall.

While you scribble on canvas

your face, your hands,

I look with a bit of aggravation

though I try to understand

between two artists, we struggle

to succeed, all the lessons of being present

you've taught me

You ask me to look too much,

you ask me the same question

too many times to ignore

with all my frustration, I know you could see it,

I clean up the wall and scrub the floor

all that time, I hope I spent well

a moment we'll never restore

You smiled, and put down your canvas

you're not a child anymore.

To Kyle- My Stepson-The Son I Chose

Dead Prey by R.L. Clayton

Ghost: A Photographic Exploration

A presence in the house, you can't see it but you can feel it. All the energy climbs the walls, haunts every beam in the floor. Those creaking stairs, how many stories created themselves in those dark cellars in Orange New Jersey.

Out front, the dark brown factory with broken windows, the cold stone steps, how many stories still to come, ghosts to fuel a child's fertile mind.

The energy of things, how objects take on energy and create a drama that is intangible. The writer, the artist thrives in those in-between places. Driving through the country, selling insurance, there were ghosts on every long country road.

There were things that had histories, I didn't know their stories but I wanted to. The shady cemeteries had voices and memories that were as real as the tall ancient trees that shaded them.

I live between the two worlds, nature and all its' beauty and the darkness on the edge of light. This is where I find my inspiration and excitement, I am haunted by energy and histories.

Let's Talk About Depression: A Conversation Overdue

Depression is a common disorder that affects so many of us. It is a disease that hides beneath misunderstanding, stigma and our need to keep the status quo. What can anyone do for some one that is depressed? It's a difficult subject to approach, especially if you are not familiar it.

I Get Sad Sometimes Too: That's usually the first thing people say and it comes from concern and lack of understanding of the problem. Sadness is a biproduct of depression but it is not depression from my experience.

The way I would describe depression is an absence of the self. What if you could do something that would normally bring you joy and instead of feeling joy you feel nothing. The worst place to be depressed is your favorite place, doing something you love and all you feel is absent.

The initial thought is you will never feel anything or enjoy anything again. If you are without joy and you have everything you want, it doesn't seem like there is any hope.

What do you say to someone who is depressed? So instead of focusing on what not to say, what should the conversation sound like? First, you are not going to fix this for the person, one or two words or even a conversation is not going to solve the problem. All you can hope for is offering some relief for the symptoms.

Be patient: The person who is suffering with depression is looking for relief and is definitely feeling anxious for it to stop. Assure them the feeling will pass, it will get better and assure them the repetition of the same words and thoughts are not an aggravation.

When you are in this state you will try to touch all different thoughts and aspects of how you feel in order to explain the feeling. I have found myself repeating the same question, the same thought. The person listening needs to listen, not judge, not interrupt or decide it's time to get over it.

Ask questions instead of giving answers: Realize the person on the outside of the depressive state usually can not give a defining answer, it is a chemical imbalance or the brains state of trying to recover, often there is no one answer or fix.

Expand on thoughts, memories, hurts and joy-where ever the conversation goes, you are simply the wall that the depressive person can bounce ideas and feelings off in an effort to unravel the mass of feelings. I have noticed it's not just one thing, it tends to be a long and complicated tangle of all kinds of feelings, hurts and fears.

Get Active: Take your friend or family member for a walk while discussing the problem or feeling. Enjoy something outside in nature and realize they are not going to necessarily feel better, again you are only seeking small bits of relief.

A person suffering from depression will usually want to withdraw and sleep, inactivity is often a symptom of the soul licking its wounds. Activity and sunlight can definitely change that, go outside, get lunch, try to exercise against the initial thought.

When I was in college my room mate would insist we go swimming and my initial thought was always not today. I would go and I would thank him for insisting as afterwards I would enjoy a bit of relief. Exercise is actually the one definitive, temporary relief.

A friend in Need: This is not about you but really it could and should be. What a strange thought but if you can shift the focus to your own experiences without preaching and attempt to show the person in the state of depression that you might relate to their state it can often be comforting. The depressed person will usually ask questions, they will seek your experience.

I've noticed when I talk about someone and their problems it not only takes me out of my own darkness but it gives me a bit of insight. As you explain to someone else that there is hope and it's not the end of the world, your own mind and soul can often benefit from standing outside of the initial feeling.

Some companion pieces by Artbygordon

https://imashleymi.com/2018/09/18/can-we-talk-about-depression/

http://www.rheamader.com/steven-linebaugh-writing-artwork-depression-nature/

To join my email newsletter and get news about upcoming book on depression as well as tips for relief please go to www.artbygordon.com

Let's Talk Religion, Yes, Really: Our Divine Selves

Faith is not of words but of actions: Why does the phrase "let go and let God", or "it's God's will" infuriate so many people? It sounds harmless and full of concern but the words are empty when you call across a chasm to someone who is drowning while you are safe on solid ground.

No, that doesn't mean you need to share the same misfortune but the saying talk is cheap is definitely an issue at times. Actions always speak louder than words; witness a very faithful person go through trauma and how they keep themselves joyful, not necessarily happy but joyful. This is the testament to God and his works in believer's lives.

Faith is not contingent on what happens, it is as constant and unyielding as the strength of our individual human wills. To see someone with such faith and joy is something that separates that voice from the chasm, it makes one want to walk the waters and follow someone, to be a leader of men.

A Fallen World: Bad things happen on earth, life is unfair, there are brutal acts and evil occurrences that occur everyday. The problem is the people that insist if you pray everything will work out, what does that even mean?

Prayers for a child dying of an illness and they still die, the question broached how could God let this happen if I was so faithful and prayed. There is a will that is working through our lives and that will is not what the physical human kind can fathom, than again the human mind can rationalize things and accept things that we should all question.

We are not supernatural entities, we are a species, a fallen broken species that usually choose virtue and civility over cruelty and evil. Still, the evil gene lives in all of us, the selfish, the resentful, the angry and prideful. We are all sinners and none of us, no matter how righteous, have any right to judge anyone else for just about anything.

Now the concept of right and wrong, if you follow what I just said than anything is acceptable which is what man has come to gratefully adopted. Right and wrong are subjective, we rationalize, we celebrate evil as long as it suits the human condition.

God's laws and what is right and wrong don't budge because of the day, much like the constitution which in my mind is of God. What is right is always right, what is wrong is always wrong. Man has a concience and this is an innate product of the species-we know what is wrong and right whether we follow our own compass or not.

I had a short debate with someone, online, about how man should be more like animals as they don't kill for sport and they aren't filled with greed and malice. I thought the idea was very much incorrect, we are just a moral conscience away from being animals.

Animals take what they need, the strong survive and the weak die, there is nothing personal and everything has a purpose, survival trumps morality in every instance. I believe humanity is basically good but the evil tendency and the lowest of our virtues doesn't go away.

I think we assume so many things of God's word. He needs to be worshipped, he is a jealous God-the devil would have us question what's so great about a God that needs to be worshipped. We are to worship and be part of a church not for God's glory but because he knows our souls fundamentally need other people and need to speak to a higher order than our earthly beings.

So many things we see from an earthly standpoint until the feeling of being connected to God becomes a memory, an idea and than a far removed concept. It is so easy to discount his present being in a world that celebrates everything that separates us from him.

My next post is about the journey: A large part of living a life with God as a constant presence takes focus, awareness and most of all trust. Trust the process, even while we are drowning, trust that the picture is larger and more complex than our earthly eyes can fathom...Next post.

The Tightrope Looms Above: A Precarious Point

It's frightening

The image keeps forming and evaporating at the same time

words reach to heights creating intricate facets

on an unknown page

constantly perfecting, dissecting

desperate for sustenance 

but starving

I'm not doing well

but ask

and I'll never tell

I'm fine

stringing hours to hours and days to decades

a form becoming

a hopeful endeavor

I'm failing

as bits of beautiful lines fall apart

and function growing futile

Those that wish you well

will sit in the wings

in the shadow of the crowd

hoping you succeed but knowing you'll fail

friends and lovers wil wish you the best

sitting in uncomfortable seats, fidgeting with doubt

while you on the tightrope question this precarious point

in the darkness there is no one

only God

and your voice in a whisper

You better believe, you better trust the only artist

that knows your final form

his way is the only way

but the soul questions this uncomfortable path

in the darkness on the tight rope

there is only you and God

and neither speak

pray for patience, confidence

strive long and proud

as you learn the steps

you were meant to walk

let them shout, doubt and talk

of your demise

on that space in the point of rapture

where the light is so brilliant

you're almost blind

its only you and God

and he's the only constant

on your side....