You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. Freedom is such a vague idea when you’ve always known it and had the privilege to take it for granted.
It is a beautiful vintage car, Grandpa used to brag about. There was something special about it, but you never quite understood its meaning or what it truly represented or meant to your grandpa and ultimately your family.
He drove it in the snow to take your grandmother to the hospital when she was having their first child. It was his livelihood at one time, it was there through sickness and health, from the small apartment they rented to their first home-it was his pride and joy, something worth fighting for.
Today, it seems freedom is the ability to do whatever one wants without consequence. A license to make bad decisions without damage. “Your ideas, your music, your activity offends me, I have the freedom from having to be exposed to what upsets me”-that’s not freedom, that’s being self-centered.
Freedom is actually a dangerous idea, no handout nor safety net is attached. It is the ability to make your own decisions about your own life at the danger of being wrong, of making mistakes, of falling down.
It is one’s power to forge a life for themselves and their families without the fear of government intervention.
Being coddled and pampered starts out as a kind concept until your destiny is governed by someone else’s judgement instead of your own. Freedom is something we all need to live along side, it takes patience and concern for other’s freedoms as much as our own.
If we look for intervention, there will always be someone to intervene. A good example is two children fighting over a toy. They are children, they are learning the idea of compromise, of sharing, of living with each other. If they go to the parents and ask for intervention, many times both will lose the toy but more importantly the ability to decide on their own. The ability to compromise, to work together, to give and take is something that takes experience and awkward mistakes.
No one will come to you and say I’m taking your freedom away….they will say I want to help you. At first it is a kind gesture until you realize you are a project of theirs and that’s where freedom erodes.
I love Granpa’s old car, I think we all need to learn about the people around the world who’ve fought and died for freedom and continue to. These days so much words are thrown around, so many agendas are in play, we all need to go back to the basics of our own freedoms and realize what makes us free, and we will realize what is so worth not losing.
Friday, October 9, 2026
October Came, with all it's subtle feelings of fear and loss. Giving up the excitement of summers to find our own time where the sky tells stories of the spring and the winter whispers where it's been.
I wish I could just cling to the season with joy, much like children do. That feeling of holidays coming and families getting together but I know the changes that come in this time. I lost my dad in September,
almost lost my life to heart disease 3 years ago and that nip in the air is a warning.
Even if it's not a warning, it feels like it. A cool breeze comes through the window, sits down at the table-we need to talk.....
Poetry is a feeling of a moment. It grows and changes depending on the season. These poems are from Purple Shadows Flame...more from the previous post. I tend to write until it stops. Usually there is an immediate impetus and then it changes.
All of these poems have to do with fighting to see a new day and yet still reacting to a season. October is a month filled with many changes, adaptations. I am excited for 2026.
An anomaly of a flower, out of a garden of purple incarnata, one single white flower with a pink center.
I still haven't found a second one. I can only assume a recessive gene found it's place in the universe and in a garden of purple, a solitary white bloom.
I started writing this many years ago- I just posted it on Medium.
I don’t prefer the word stepdad. The word minimizes an honorable position in a family. Parenting is the most difficult job; challenging, heartbreaking, and inspiring.
I’ve raised two sons, my first was a stepson-what began as a risky endeavor became an incredible experience, an honor that has changed my life.
Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. You are sculpting individuals who must remain separate from yourself. They should be encouraged to make their own decisions. We hope they choose the best path but often the wrong path is how they discover themselves.
The Perks of Failure
Failures are teaching lessons, integral aspects of an adolescent becoming an adult; the wisdoms they develop are beyond the scope of well-meaning parents.
I learned from my mom and my own stepdad how to show up, to share interests and add adventure in everyday life. I watched someone who wrestled with authority and the lack of it at times.
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Playing the Cards You were Dealt
One of the greatest realizations is you don’t hold all the cards and your hand is limited. You have multiple families all seeking to help and offer assistance in raising a child and your intentions are in question from the start.
Your authority is always in question and you have to walk a thin line to not overstep and yet keep a level of respect.
In those early years, I was the one to get down on the floor and talk open and direct to a two year old. I listened to the excitement he felt about finding a bug or a special rock, I asked questions, I was present.
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Strength is Not Showing the Power You Possess or Lack
When you have limited power you find other ways to direct. You draw a line you refuse to cross to avoid causing more harm. Your discression will seem to others as helpless and indecisive but parenting is not about shear force, it is finesse.
This process taught me a useful parenting technique; ask yourself what your intention is before acting. Being a parent can be clumsy, the child will comply out of respect, fear or guilt. I always erred on respect which others may see as weakness.
Defining intention before acting allows for responding instead of reacting. Do you seek to let go of your stress, pound your chest, or do you want the child to truly listen? This exercise improves how a parent uses their words better maintains calm when others are losing control.
Some times when things get out of control and both parent and child are beyond their limits of reason, one needs to be the adult. One of you will need to de-escalate the situation and I can guarantee it will not be the child.
Tools in your Toolbox Like Cards In Your Hand
You have to be able to be fast on your feet, to adjust if needed, to apologize, regain control when it’s lost, again the child’s job is not to surrender — his job is to test the boundaries, to see who is in control.
Guilt can offer control but often at the detriment of the child and the inevitable hurt and resentment. Guilt is more destructive than it is productive.
Next is fear that will eventually become anger and distrust. A good manager earns their employee’s respect, they don’t need fear to motivate.
Respect is not something you will get from a teenager testing boundaries.
The All-Powerful Hug: Really it Works
Love is the bridge that reaches two sides who’ve become adversaries. Give a teen a hug, both of you have said things, done things, you’ve both lost the battle-you are at deadlock.
A genuine hug means I love you, I don’t like you right now but I love you. I have seen more positive results from this and when I’ve failed to be that bridge I’ve even had a teen remind me — “Why didn’t you just hug me.”
A hug is like saying we can’t agree but we live to fight another day. Parenting teaches us aspects of humanity, about strength and weakness, about honor and empathy. Being a stepdad has inspired me to be better. I feel honored to be a stepdad, a blessing that has changed my life.
I wrote this post and left it here for many years-it was a draft I just rekindled.
I wrote a series of poems years ago about raising my stepson-it was called Shaping the Illusive Form - series of trying to raise my son and the obstacles of being a step dad- please check back as I will be publishing the poetry shortly.
One poem is about raising a child as an artist- It is probably pretty rough in that it was written so long ago but my summation is as follows.
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